The Things I Never Told You

   To my brother,  

Although you have done things that aren't the best, I still love you.  I will always look up to you.  Thank you for being honest with me. 

  To the guy I used to like, 

I'm sorry for being so stupid, and asking you that question.  If I had the choice I would rewind time just so I wouldn't have asked you, because I didn't want to, I was basically forced.  I don't want you to feel bad, but I want you to know that it hurt when you started ignoring me.  I had no idea what was going on, and it hurt to think that you would never to talk to me again.

  To my grandma,                                                                                                                 Thank you for everything.  Thank you for being such a great example to me. 

   To my cousin, 

I'm sorry that you have to listen to me complain all the time.  I'm sorry, even though I have to listen to you complain about not getting everything you want, even though you do. 

 

   To the last guy I went to a dance with, 

Seriously? 

  
   To my oldest little sister, 

You're hilarious and I love you.  But it would be nice if you could share mom and dad. 

   To my youngest sister, 
I love you, but you need to quit acting like a brat, and you need to be nice to mom.   
   
   To my parents, 
I'm sorry for the times I was a disappointment to you.  I am really trying to make you proud. 

17

I thought something would be different when I turned 17. 
I guess I thought all of my mistakes from the previous year would be forgotten. 
Obviously not. 
I guess it all comes down to the fact that, I was hoping to be happy by seventeen. I really was... 
I was hoping that I would be able to forget. 
Forget all the horrible things I did. 
Forget all the things I wish I would have done. 
And forget all the bad things people did to me. 

I wish there would have been some amazing feeling I would have felt the day I turned 17. 
I thought I wouldn't dwell on my past. 
Too bad I don't have a neuralyzer like they have in MIB. 
I would have used that thing a looong time ago. 

I don't understand why Zac Efron wanted to be 17 Again! I sure as hell wouldn't want to have to relive this year of my life ever again.   

I suppose I can't complain entirely, I mean, I have made a ton of new friends this year.  I learned a lot about myself, and about the people I thought were my friends.  I learned how to move on, and I realized that I shouldn't put my happiness in other peoples hands.

So..... I guess I will just have to remind myself that I can be happy, and that I have been happy.  And maybe when I turn 18 it will be better, but I won't be counting on it. 

F.A.I.L.

This is going to be kind of short, but I just wanted to share with you the meaning of FAIL.

F.A.I.L. stands for First Attempt In Learning. We will all fail at some point in our lives, but without failing, we would never succeed. Just remember that the next time you feel like you can't do something, just because you failed the first time.
             
                                     

suicide

this story is definitely not one I share because it isn't about me. i would NEVER even think about committing suicide. just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. and i am still not sure why i am sharing this.... 

it was the first week of october 2012. i had been best friends with this girl for a year. (let's call her becca). she had told me about her previous attempts in commuting suicide, which scared me more than anyone can imagine.   i told my mom about it, and she decided to contact beccas dad. he told my mom that he was aware of it and that becca had talked to someone after the attempts. 

we had hung out on a monday, and had tons of fun! we went and walked around the sotre i work at, and we were just acting like "normal" ternage girls. 

the next day she didn't come to school because she was feeling sick. we were just texting each other while i was at school. and when i got home, i had forgotten about my phone. i looked at it an hour later and saw she had texted me at least 10 times. she  was telling me that she needed help. i thought that someone was at her house. i tried texting and calling, but she wouldn't answer. i asked her if i should call the police, and kept asking her a bunch of other questions. after trying to figure out what was going on she text me saying, "they're here." i told my dad that something was wrong with becca, and headed down to her house. 

when i got there, there were three police cars outside her house. i jumped out of my car and ran over to her. i asked her what was wrong, and she proceeded to tell me that she had tried to commit suicide. tears filled my eyes, i was full of anger, confusion, and sadness. i couldn't believe what I had just heard..... i couldn't even look at her. all i could ask was, "why?". after she tried to explain her reasoning. i turned to her neighbor and told her to keep me up to date on where she would be and how she was doing. 

it felt like one of those moments in movies, when everything goes in slow motion, while i walked back to my car. and once i got back in my car, everything I had been holding in, burst out. 

this was definitely one of the worst experiences I have been through. and i hope that no one will ever have to deal with a friend or family member who wants to, or has committed suicide.

Quotes that Matter

"Cry as much as you want to, but just make sure when you're finished, you never cry for the same reason again." -Wiz Khalifa

"Be strong now, because things will get better.  It may be stormy now, but it can't rain forever." -Unknown

"Life always offers you a second chance.  It's called tomorrow."-Unknown

"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel."-Johnny Depp

"Love is when someone else's happiness is more important than your own."-My Grandpa

"Forget your past, Forgive yourself and move on."-Unknown

"If you're brave to say "good bye", life will reward you with a new "hello".-Paulo Coelho

"When life gives you something that makes you feel afraid, that's when life gives you a chance to be brave."-Lupytha Hermin

"Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve."-Unknown

"Don't waste your time looking back for what you've lost. MOVE ON.  For life wasn't meant to be traveled backwards."-Unknown

"The past is like using your rear-view mirror in the car, its good to glance back and see how far you've come, but if you stare too long you'll miss what's right in front of you."-Unknown

"Life is short, so don't hold back. Forgive like you have amnesia, believe like a kid, love like crazy, and be yourself."-Unknown

"Don't do something permanently stupid just because you're temporarily upset."-Unknown

"The less you care.  The happier you'll be."-Unknown

"If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try."-Seth Godin

What My Bones Said

The bones that make up my body constantly tell me to forget, and just be happy.  "Forget your past and move on."  They tell me this at least twice a day.  "Forget the heartbreaks, the deaths, and the sadness." "Don't let the past control the present OR the future."  BE HAPPY!  How can I be happy after everything that has happened?  By remembering the good things.  I deserve to happy, you deserve to be happy, WE deserve to be happy.  I hear my bones trying to convince me that I do deserve happiness, but I don't feel like I should be happy because I always think of the bad things from my past.  It is hard to listen when I don't believe it to be true.  Sometimes feeling sad, and focusing on the bad is easier than thinking about the good things and being happy.  Do I really deserve to be happy?  This question nags at me all the time.  When in reality I should know the answer.  Yes! Yes I do deserve to be happy, just as much as the person who won the lottery, the family that was reunited with their grandma after she almost died, and the people who don't have a lot, but feel like they have everything.  My bones tell me that it's okay to be sad.  Just not all the time.  They tell me it's okay to feel angry, hurt, flustered, and especially HAPPY.  

I recently had a lady come through my line at work.  I followed the routine of asking how they are, and she replied with, "I'm happy."  I just looked up, smiled, and told her that I loved her answer.  She asked me how I was, and without letting me begin to reply, she told me that I could be happy too.  

It's those kind of people in the world who are the ones to make a difference.  Not necessarily a huge difference, but one that can change someones attitude and outlook on life.  

If we all choose to be happy and listen to what our bones tell us to do, we are going to end up much happier. 

Goobye

Am I supposed to put my life on holdBecause you don't know how to act?And you don't know where your life is going?
Am I supposed to be torn apartBroken-hearted in a corner cryin'?Pardon me if I don't show it
I don't care if I never see you againI'll be alrightTake this final piece of advice and get yourself togetherBut either way baby, I'm gone
I'm so over it, I've been there and backChanged all my numbers and just in case you're wonderin'I got that new I'm-a-single-girl swagGot me with my girls and we're singin' itSing!
Na na na na, na na na naHey hey hey, goodbyeNa na na na, na na na naHey hey hey, goodbye
Cut my hair 'cause it reminded me of youI know you like the long doHad to switch my attitude up
Thinkin' of changin' up how I rideNo more on the passenger sideToo bad you missed out on the way that I drive it
I don't care if I never see you againI'll be alrightTake this final piece of advice and get yourself togetherBut either way baby, I'm gone
I'm so over it, I've been there and backChanged all my numbers and just in case you're wonderin'I got that new I'm-a-single-girl swagGot me with my girls and we're singin' itSing!
Na na na na, na na na naHey hey hey, goodbyeNa na na na, na na na naHey hey hey, goodbye
H-hey, h-heyH-hey, goodbye
I'm so over it, I've been there and backChanged all my numbers and just in case you're wonderin'I got that new I'm-a-single-girl swagGot me with my girls and we're singin' itSing!
Na na na na, na na na naHey hey hey, goodbyeNa na na na, na na na naHey hey hey, goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na Hey hey hey, goodbye Na na na na, na na na na Hey hey hey, goodbye Goodbye 
-Kristinia DeBarge

Saying Goodbye

Before I'm gone I feel like I should say a few goodbye's.
First of all, I would like to say ayyyydios to High School!  I can honestly say that I won't be one of the people that misses high school.  So..... GOODBYE!!!! And hello to College!
I would like to say goodbye and good luck to the people who taught me valuable lessons, whether I appreciated what I had to go through in order to learn the lessons or not.
Goodbye to my so-called "friends".  Goodbye...... Ya, that's all I have to say.
Friends, people I never met, etc. Goodbye!  I hope you all have great lives!

I hope that my goodbyes, as well as yours, will bring great, new hellos.

Goodbye!